I am frustrated

Dont know why. I tried to relax and meditate unsuccessfully.

I am thinking of death a lot this morning...I am finding it difficult to cope with. Is it that or something else?



I want to be with lots of people suddenly. I want to get on phone and call very one I know and chat my life away. Somehow even that feels like may not be enough. It is one of those days when you feel very lonely, no matter what you do, does not matter even if you communicate with the whole world....... you might not find peace. I have not.



Music?



I asked my care giver to get the i pod nano and fix the ear pieces. G - my daughter has got that for me. It had all songs sung by my wife - she was a great singer...



But NO.



NOT ENOUGH.



I want the world to stop revolving and take notice of my pain.



I want the wind to spread the word about my pain to the world.



I want the clouds to cry for me.



I want the sun and moon blink and the stars disappear for a bit.



I want the whole world to be there and be gone at the same time.



It is difficult when you watch yourself go down slowly.



you feel you are not this body - you are occupying this body which is refusing to listen to you....



You want it all to end soon- get it over and done with - you want things to get better overnight -YOU WANT a miracle....









You want to die and live in the same breath...

Alone

Alone


My routine is to sit in front of tv by 10 AM. I should rephrase it - to be made to sit. The day moves slowly. Sun tv is my only friend. She talks, cries, threatens, sings and dances non stop - dramatic but non stop....



I try to re adjust my position...it is 11AM.maybe I am thirsty, may be I am hungry. Should I call my care giver again for water. I just called her 10 minutes ago...she is sitting not far away and reading....she is a nice lady, but sometimes I sense that irritation and I worry that I shouldn't get on her wrong side - then we have to go through the whole process of getting another care giver...



Let me wait for some more tine and my coffee time will come and I can combine errands...



ah ...I miss my wife...



Well I have to spend another 4 hrs in this wheel chair before my physic will come- some massage, some stretching....atlast....



Phone rings...great my savior...



R please can you get the phone...and please help me up with my position so I can talk better on phone and er...get me some water please....



Great this hurdle crossed...god is great...

itch

It is 3AM. K has put a digital clock by my bedside. I can see the time bright and clear now. The times I spent guessing the time are gone. 3AM it is. The rudraksh mala is hurting my neck. My right hand cannot reach the back of my right neck to scratch. I cant move my left arm at all. Period. I tried moving a bit side to side so I can rub the itchy portion of my neck against the pillow - but no use. Should I call K? Ah...I had already called him at 1 AM for my nature's call - He was grumpy. I dont think it is a good idea... K is a nce kid. But the times are like this. It is better I dont say a word- ah...ah...the itch again... Let me try and turn to my left...Take a deep breath, ro..ll onto left..oh these deadlog legs -wont move...ah..yes..now better...oh..god..my left arm has gone under my body...I am worried I might injure it...oh my GOD..what to do...Should I call K anyway. Big deal, if he has had disturbd sleep...His dad deserves better from him doesnt he...No not really... He needs to sleep....


One more try...It is 3:45 now...

No luck...it is really itchy....may be I should call him....maybe.....

K...K.....
No response....

K...K....
.....
.........
Footsteps...
yes appa....

No, Can you bring the can please for me to pass urine...and just as you are heere..can please scratch here please....
........

Work, Passion and happiness

Sometimes I really think we spend a lot of time working, studying, preparing, sleeping and doing everything else but "living our lives".
I wonder whether I am living to work or working to live.....
I should be living and incidentally working.
Work becomes a passion, wanting to DO something becomes an obsession....
When I take a step back and look at it, I see the triviality of it....
More than all these things, did I have fun that minute, the previous minute or the minute before .....that must be the question I should be asking myself.
There is no point in living a life for a biographer.....
I realise that we have to live for our happiness....
But those moments of inspiration and clarity get clouded all the time.....
I hate it when people laugh and have fun and say that "they wiled away thier time"...
Come on...
those are the ones (myself inclusive..on many occassions) who are too scared to live....

Busy week. Busy night.

It is interesting that somehow you learn to cope. The thought of having a busy day, needing to deal with life-death situations puts you off. But when it happens, when you are in the thick and thin of it, time accelerates. You focus, live the moment. You get a feeling of having lived a lifetime after that. You somehow enjoy the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the power, the control, the challenge.....
Ironically someone else's disastorous day turns out to be an exciting one for you. Even though, you dont think about it that way. You dont theorise when you are doing it. You just get on and do it.
I always thought and still think I am not the kind of guy who would like to indulge in extreme sport....I hate roller coasters, I used to think. But hmm...may be not....
The "highs" from the adrenaline rush..the clarity of your thought, the pace of your thinking, the focus, the feeling of getting ready to fight or flight.. is awesome.....

The world of(is) our mind?

Much as I like the solitude of my company...paradoxically I enjoy being among the crowd.
I loved the busy Leicester square in london as much as I loved Ranganathan street in chennai.
It is a funny feeling to get lost in the crowd. To see so many people, the details of thier creaselines, the quirks of thier noses, the twitches of thier eyelids...the emotions, the thoughts, so much, so diverse...people...people...people...
It is humbling when you think of the marvel of the nature, it is interesting when you think of the variety of thoughts swirling behind those innumerable nameless faces....
To think that you are just a nameless face with thoughts, just like them...is scary, revealing and calming at the same time...
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...how true...
You have beautiful thoughts on the one...beautiful face on the other...put them together...do u think u will get a beautiful person...
I am not too sure...
It is interesting to think that all these thoughts and faces somehow form a personality, which attracts, allures, repels, distracts people...
They can bowl you over, grow onto you, throw you off or make you keep coming back to them again and again...
What personlity a soul less rock has to keep attracting the wavering waves...?
aha...
I kinda think places and things have an aura aswell....ofcourse it depends on the person who looks at it...
Coming to think of it...
We create our worlds, we create the beauty, the beast, the success, the failure, the greed, the poignant....
and
we blame the world for our confusions..
awesome...
weird isnt it...?

Why blogs?

Now I understand why people write blogs.
Writing these blogs is like shouting in a noisy market. You get the satisfaction of expressing yourself and at the same time you can be assured that nobody would have noticed.
I am not complaining. I think of shouting in the quiet of the night on the sides of the sea shore. I like the idea of shouting and at the same time your voice getting lost among the great sounds of the nature...
It is therapeutic....
It is more akin to what happens in nature. It is not like writing a diary - which is infact talking to yourself.
With blogs you may be talking to yourself mostly, you may get lost all the time, but still you are around there to vibrate with another synchronising frequency...
You can be found...
The sound you make doesnt just go into the atmosphere and get lost...it lingers...it persists...it can be found by someone else...
We all want that dont we...?

I am feeling good about myself

I am feeling good about myself. Now and then you must feel good about your own self. It is a therapeutic feeling.
The whole world looks beautiful. It is beautiful.
I went up somewhere in the outback of western australia. It is a 45 minute flight to reach the place. But the moment I landed, I looked up at the sky. It was blissful.
The starry sky of the summer night looked as though you can reach it very easily. It looked closer to you. The waning moon was still a beauty...
It was nirvana...i guess...
These are the moments, I sit and wonder, What am I doing? I would love to roam about enjoy the nature, the world with no care in the world and live every moment of the life.....
May be I am doing it...
Live today as though there is no tomorrow...Wonderful isnt it? We worry about the uncertainities of the future all the time...Coming to think of it, if the future is certain, what is the fun in living. Lif is happening in the present when we keep worrying about our future and the past...
So live this moment I tell myself...Enjoy this starry sky and this blissfull serenity...
Today is real..Tomorrow an illusion...
........

Mixed day

It has been a mixed day for me. I started to do some work - writing. I am happy about it. It was a good feeling though. I get excited when I think about the historical significance of writing something. There again, writing anything cannot make history can it? I sometimes get the urge to contribute something substantial.

I do repent the fact that I am in the kind of a field anymore where an idea can take you places. But then again, I think that a brilliant idea is a brilliant idea...
I am not good enough for that I feel.....

depressing
.......